2008

2008 has been one of the most incredible years of my life. I’ve been to China, changed my religion at least three times, challenged myself and others in more areas than I once knew existed, laughed harder than I ever have (mostly with Amy), and cried harder than I ever have (mostly concerning my brother). My style of dress, speech, action, and mentality have all changed so drastically, I don’t know that acquaintances  from five years ago would even recognize me.

I left this country on January 14^th, 2008, after the biggest heartbreak of my life. I was left by a man who I was hopelessly in love with. Only three years before my brother had been left by his wife, and the previous summer my sister and her husband were divorced. The trend of heartbreak shook my bohemian philosophy, and everything I once believed about Love was shattered.  With Love tainted, Chinese tradition infiltrated my mind on the other most important issues in my thinking: truth, beauty, and freedom.

The summer following my return to the States was a roller coaster of emotions and soul searching. The god I had known was no longer sufficient for me; he was too small and American. My youngest brother had claimed Atheism, but that was no good for me (I had tried that religion once before). Agnosticism was too bitter, and – knowing myself – I could not live that way. Daoism seemed very reasonable to me (and to this day, holds the most sway over my spoken philosophies) and thus I was torn religiously.

The autumn brought a class load of Bible classes that actually challenged my thinking. (*First time in three years; good job, KCU*) My Romans class opened my mind to Grace and Life, and my Theology class contradicted many things I once thought were inescapable doctrines of my faith’s tradition. (Traditions of the doctrines were challenged the previous year.) My Hebrews class angered my just enough to search out some Biblical truths for myself, and say to hell with commentaries and second-hand doctrine. Art and religion were discussed and debated in my Christ and Culture class; it helped my bohemian mind to lean up, if even still bruised and battered.

The meeting of a young man named John also helped challenge my thoughts. I was and am still claiming Christianity (though not solely convinced on the traditional doctrines or formalities), and so John, an Agnostic, would debate with me over philosophy, religious issues, and the need for the Christ.

My roommate, and also another dear friend from school, and I would discuss Christ in multiple cultures (the three of us had spent the semesters in separate locations across the world). Cultural extremes, taboos, and expectable practices were discussed and put into scenarios within American Christian circles. My views on drinking, dancing, smoking (tobacco and illegal substances), sex, and appearances were all brought upon the alter and one by one sacrificed to Global God, rather than the American one.

I am far from being finished with my wanderings and thinkings. Each day, I am faced to account for another aspect I hold, or at least once held, important. There can be no conclusion at this point, but in all my searchings for the Highest God, I have found a deep love for human beings. This love grows deeper with every challenge, and therefore, I feel, must hold some sort of importance to the Highest God.

The year has been intense, crazy, (sometimes literally), extreme, “epic”, wild, emotional, stupid, painful, glorious, and all around fun. The next year will no doubt prove even more demanding than this. But, I feel as though I’m ready for the adventure. Just, let it not be boring. God knows I hate to be bored…

Innocent?

Why do the non-guilty need a Savior?

Right off, I am not suggesting that in fact there are any who could claim they are not guilty of something when surveyed honestly. However, I do know people who do not recognize their sin. – I’m not talking about the ones Paul mentions in Romans chapter 7; those who did not know the law, and therefore could not be held accountable to the law’s standards. I’m talking about people who have been so blinded by their own desire for innocence that they have believed the lies of Satan who says they can be free by their own heart.

I believe this to be wrong because (firstly I’ve been there, and I know, but also,) people who desire innocence do so for Justice’s sake, and as any court case could tell you, the guilty cannot decree their own verdict. If they could, Justice would never be accurate.

But my question is: how do those who have known the Good way to live and have chosen the other way- because they have been deceived be convinced that their own code of morals are not good enough- how can you convince someone who does not see that they are sinning that, in fact, they are sinning?

My prayer group tried this with me just recently; lost so deeply in a sin that I could not comprehend its sinfulness. The only reason I chose to stop was because I respect my pray group members so much that I didn’t not want to keep hurting them. (They did seem hurt; wounded in their spirits when I would share with them my “fun”.) You see, I spent so much time with these women that when they were troubled, I began to feel troubled: a feeling I never would have experienced by my own judgment. – I’m sure there’s a sermon in that, about how we begin to share the heart of God when we spend so much time with Him….

But, my finally agreeing to cease in my now-called sin sprung only from a respect of them. So, how can we convince another, with whom it is not possible to spend so much time with due to circumstance, distance, or whatever else, that what they do, say, and believe is harmful not only to their own soul, but to yours as well? Do you tell them this? Will they not see it as a silly thought? Will they not laugh and dig even deeper into their self made pit of self-justification and cheap comfort?

Let your light shine, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Lord, my job is not to save their souls, but to show them that You do! – Lord, is it my job to even tell them that their soul needs saving? If not, then take them and mold them. But if it is: show me how!

My Theological and Spiritual Apology

What I really feel, I’ll tell first. But then, know, kids, that there are some real questions in my head right now, some real thoughts that I don’t know how to handle at this point.

I believe God is the One Who Is, the Creator, and the Sustainer. I believe Jesus is the Christ, sent from God to redeem my soul by His atoning sacrifice. I believe His life and death were sufficient, and His grace is all-forgiving. I believe in the Hope (such an extreme hope, that I can call it an Assurance) that my Salvation is secure for the judgment day, and that I will be united with the Father for eternity.

Now then, that having been said, I find myself at a complete loss. My last blog spoke of change, and how much my personality, mindset, worldview, and very character have changed. The same holds for my theology. I don’t feel bad for believing what I do and attending a non-denominational, Calvinistic, Protestant school. But, I do feel slightly silenced. Maybe it’s because of the respect I hold for my professors (who are trying so hard to teach me the ‘right’ way), and I don’t want to appear ungrateful for all of their work; or maybe it’s because I feel so alone in my – so called – radical theology and therefore do not trust an ear to hear it. Either way, voicing my creed is difficult; I don’t even know how to begin.

I know playing the “what if” game is rather dangerous, and to be honest, I’ve never given it much salt. Yet I find myself newly and strangely attracted to the concept more and more. I blame Batman, to be honest, since the ending to The Dark Knight deals with the question of truth vs. faith rewards. (For those who haven’t seen the movie, my elaboration will be simple: people put their faith into something that turned out to be false; Batman decided to hide the truth from the people in order to reward their faith.) Since I’ve seen that movie, I have been increasingly obsessed with the idea of truth vs. faith rewards. This, kids, is where I begin my discourse.

Now, keeping in mind I DO believe Jesus is the Christ: what if he isn’t? In fact, more questionable still: what if the entire Bible is just one big clever story, written by some clever people, with clever intentions? A more horrid thought: what if the Bible is only partially true? (However, this question is weak, since the Bible is so interlinked that no one part can be true without another.) What if this “good god” we claim to serve, laughs at our death and says, “Oh, I was only kidding, silly humans.” If – if! if! if! – any of those were to be true: I, personally, would want to know it. I wouldn’t want to go on living a life of servant hood for others, to advance an imaginary Kingdom of Love. I would sooner say, thank you for the lovely story, now I’m moving on to pursue what I want; what I dream; what I think would be best for myself.

I’ve been asked this argument (one that I have, in fact, used on others before when trying to keep another in the Christian Faith): what do I lose if God isn’t real, and I live my life as though he were? My answer was a lifetime. Now, what if God is real, and I live my life as though he were not? The answer is an eternity. The scale is obviously tipped and biased in favor of living a Christian life. But, while a lifetime is nothing more than a vapor in the wind, it’s still all I would have to show for myself, and I (again, just personally) would want to make every effort to make my vapor multiply into, at the very least, a drop of liquid for history’s sake.

Which leads me into the second odd place I’m at in my theology. I believe even as a Christian, we are called to multiply our talents (that is, our vapor of a life) as much as we can in our lifetime. (I’m sure you’ll all recall the story of the servants and the talents which Jesus taught of in Matt. 24, beginning at verse fourteen. Which, by the way, was taught in a discourse of ‘end of times’ lessons, which suggests to me that the lesson is about our life, not just our spiritual/natural gifts, as so many sermons would imply.) Which leads me to wonder: if our calling, our purpose, is to be completely sold out, multiplying our witnesses by our testimonies, then how can we dare claim that a pew-warming ‘Christian’ is more saved than the Muslim who is prepared to die for his God, just because the Christian thinks he “knows the secret password to communication” with God. The name of Jesus is either abused by Christians (often, not always!) who wear it around their necks like a key that could unlock any door of salvation they wanted, or it’s taught as God’s new name; as if to say YHWH is no longer His name, and all the cool kids are calling him Yesus these days.

This is immediately relevant to my third theological dilemma: who is this ‘Jesus’? But, I’ll conclude my remarks on this issue first. Assuming my first issue is solved, and I fully believe in God and his scripture, then I hold very firmly to the idea that God cares for the heart; the motivation; the ends more than the means. Now, that being said, I will say that I also believe God cares fully about the means. Please don’t think I would discard it so quickly. However, just like C.S. Lewis (who is often looked at as a hero of Christian literature) wrote in his book The Last Battle, the final chapter in the Narnia series, I have no trouble believing that a god of mercy would invite a non-baptized, non-middle class, non-Church going, human beings into heaven. After all, our God is a god of faithfulness, and I have seen many Muslims who have shamed Christians by their faithfulness to their creed. Our God is a god of love, and I have seen many Agnostics go out of their way for the sake of love before some Christians would lift a finger. Our God is a god of giving and blessing, and I have seen many Buddhists who have given their all for the sake of their faith while many Christians will not part with five minutes or ten dollars.

I could go on, but instead let me share a thought. If God is indeed more enterested in our zeal than our creed, Heaven may just be filled with more Muslims than Christians. Does that scare some Readers? Boy, I sure hope it does. I wonder how many average Christians would actually agree with me when I say that it’s a person’s faith – their certainty in their religion, not their creed – that gives them their righteousness? Because Romans 1:17 says just this. I have always struggled with the balance of Jesus being the only way to God versus God’s goodness and acceptance of faithful people. So many people around the globe die being completely sold out to the only god they ever knew, never given the chance to hear the gospel story. I cannot, despite anything I am taught at Protestant institutions, I simply can not believe a good God would not have pity and bless their faithfulness. I cannot, and I will not believe that.

Now, this is where – I think – my greatest struggle comes into play. Theology issues number three.  If – there’s that magical word again: IF – I am to believe that Jesus is in fact the only way to the Creator-god, then, as a slightly OCD, very logical, and organized individual, I would like to know who this Jesus is. (I think it fair to warn you all that I am in not only a Theology class this semester, but also a class on Romans, and Hebrews. Now do you see why my mind is so overcome with philosophy, theology, and sleep-consuming concepts???)

This “Jesus” has more names and titles than a book about flowers! He is God, so Christianity says. He is the son of God, so Christianity says. He is a sacrificial lamb, so Christianity says. He is a messenger, prophet, and priest, so Christianity says. The first of creation, so Christianity says. Now, this is where it starts to get tricky for me, and where I begin to not understand at all. “The firstborn over all creation”, Col. 1:15. Between Colossians chapter one and Hebrews chapter one, I am confused and torn as to who I believe this Jesus to be. He is the Christ, obviously. But, friends, Kritos does not mean God, nor does it even mean Savior. It is the Greek word for the Hebrew word Meshioch: which only means “anointed one”. That is to say, one that God selected. Well, my question is: selected from what? (Not selected to what: that is very clear: to be the sacrifice, and to bring salvation and reconciliation to the fallen human race.) But, where from did God choose him?

We say Jesus is the only son of God, so I don’t think there could have been a line of children that God ‘inny-minni-mainni-moed’ and said, “Better luck next time Bob, I’m going with Jesus this time.” (Though it is rather entertaining to picture two Deities sticking their tongues out at each other and threatening sucker punches.) However, there is a passage from Hebrews 1:4 (and beyond) that boggles my mind to the extremities! It says, Jesus made the sacrifice, he sat down at the right hand of God, and “…so he became as much superior to the angels as the name he has inherited is superior to theirs.” This worries me, as a Christian, to wonder how or why he had to “become” superior. The wording, to me, suggests that he neither had title nor authority before God elected him.

Is it possible (Please bear with me! I’m only asking because I’m confused and am seeking answers.) that the glory of the spiritual battle between Jesus and Satan is so incredible and significant because both were members of a higher Angelic being, and while Satan emptied himself of all things God, Jesus was filled with so much God, he became the very incarnation of Him? And thus, after his successful temptation, his successful humility, and his successful sacrifice and redemption of mankind, God was so pleased He elevated him to His right hand? That would explain to me from where Jesus was chosen, and yet, then, that doesn’t explain why God Himself calls Jesus God in Hebrews 1:8!

Therefore, I am left asking: who is Jesus? Again, if I am to sell myself fully (because I believe to truly inherit God’s favor, you must be fully faithful to your creed, of which I happen to favor Christianity) to this religion, I want to understand fully what it is, who is involved, and how to properly display my faithfulness to it. – It’s really no wonder to me, anymore, why I don’t sleep at night. All of these thoughts chase each other around in my mind, each one fighting for attention and contemplation.

All I can conclude at this very moment, kids, is that I promised God when I was 17 that I wouldn’t forsake Him ever again, and made Him promise to me that He wouldn’t forsake me either. (Which He did promise, for those who were wondering.) So, understand that I am by no means trying to find a cop-out of Christianity. I have chosen this to be my religion and creed, and I refuse to be moved. If anything, I am simply trying to dig deeper; continuing my “search for the High God” as Vincent Donavan calls it. His ways are far beyond me, and I suppose I will have to learn to be content until He reveals more of Himself to me. In the mean time, these are the questions I am asking, the ideas I am seeking, and the doors on which I am knocking. He said they’d open up. ….Pray for me that they do.

Change

I was asked tonight if I believe people change. I said no.

Why I said no, I have no idea. I do believe they change. I’m a prime example of change. I was once very modest and conservative. Little goodie-to-shoes: that was me, and I was proud of it. I was proud of being the responsible one; proud of my youth group; proud of my chastity; and my heritage. Now: my family is all I still smile at when I think of them.

“Second chances change people.” I suppose I do believe that. I also believe that first chances change them. China was my first: and it changed me. Pardon me reciting from Wicked, but like they say, I don’t know if I’ve been changed for the better, but I have been changed for good. And when I look back over all the ways I’ve changed: I don’t regret any of it. I wouldn’t go back to any way I was before. I’ve always told people to expect the unexpected from me, knowing how everyday my mood changes: my very personality follows soon after. It’s not a curse to me; only a fact.

My roommate from Freshman year came to see me (now a senior) just a few days ago. She said she was amazed. She never would have thought the words, concepts, confessions, and ideals that came from me would have been uttered from my lips only three years ago.

I like who I am. I liked who I was. And I have no doubt that I will still love the woman I will be in another five years. Change happens. It’s part of nature; it’s life. And it’s good!

Anyway: now that I’m back at school, I can start my blog again, and I’ll be writing my thoughts and beliefs more, for all the world to see. Ha: at least that hasn’t changed: I do love people to pay attention to my thoughts.

Back in America

It’s incredible to think that nearly six months ago I left America to travel to a land I knew nothing about; a land I had only heard stories of; a land of myth and legend, dragons and rice. I’ve been back in America now for just over a month, and wow: I miss it. I can’t lie for either side: I’m very glad to be back in my home country, but at the same time, I’m not readjusting well. I miss China: the land, the bread, the people. I miss being laughed at for my poor language skills – when I speak poorly here, I am also laughed at, but it’s not nearly as enjoyable.

I went through so many wonderful transformations. China is a land of reform and transformation, while keeping true to its ancient history and tradition. It seems like a walking, breathing, living contradiction, and I think that’s why I loved it so much because…that’s what I am! I found myself there. I reformed my spiritual walk; I transformed my mental make-up; I revolutionized my emotional mind-set. I loved every second of being there – even in the horribly home-sick times, or times when bad things happened, and I just wanted to sleep for days – even then I was and am glad “it happened in China”.

The hardest part of being home is that I’m back being the youngest Duke again. I was Du Ai An there, and I loved being such. But, trying to fit my expanded world back into the tiny world of Salem is suffocating me a little. Don’t get me wrong: I am glad to be back. I’ve missed my family, and I’ve loved seeing all my dear friends again. I just know that I will be returning to China as soon as I can. It has my heart, and I intend on going back for it someday.